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Phone Conversations

Conversation #1

“Hello.”

(A long pause, indicating that this is a telemarketer, clearly not expecting someone to answer.) “Mr. Codgling?”

“What do you want?”

“How are you today?” (Telemarketers are the only people who ever ask me how I am.)

“Fine.”

“This is your phone company. You are a valued customer.” (This means that I pay my bills on time, something the company finds extremely valuable.) “You have phone service and internet service with us. Would you be interested in upgrading to high-speed internet service?”

“No. I paid for your high-speed internet service for three years and the service was terrible. The system kept crashing. Regular speed works better. I don’t want high-speed internet service. I don’t want to change anything. Why do you keep phoning me? This is the second time you have phoned me this week.”

“In that case, would you be interested in adding television cable service to your package?”

“No. You’ve already phoned me about that this week too. You’re wasting my time. Is there any way I can get you to stop phoning me?”

“You could call our customer service department and ask to be put on our no call list.”

“Thank you. I’ll do that.”

Conversation #2

“Customer service.”

“Your company calls me twice a week asking me if I want to upgrade my service. It’s wasting my time, interrupting my work and costing me money. Can I please get you to stop phoning me?”

“Yes, we will put you on our no call list.”

“Good, because if you don’t stop phoning me, I am going to cancel my phone service with you and get phone service from my cable company.” (This is an empty threat because the cable service provider is just as annoying, phoning me twice a week to see if I want to add phone and internet service to my cable package.)

“No problem, sir. We will put you on our no call list.”  

“Thank you.”

Conversation #3

“Hello.”

(Long pause.) “Mr. Coddington?”

“What do you want?”

“How are you today?”

“I’m busy. What do you want?”

“This is your phone company. You recently talked to one of our customer service representatives. In the interest of improving our customer service, would you be willing to answer a five-minute survey telling us how well we served you?”

“No. The point of my call was that you keep calling me and wasting my time. I asked to get put on the no call list so you would stop bothering me.”

“If you will just respond to our survey, we will never call you again.”

“You promise you will never call me again?”

“We will never call you again to respond to this survey.”

“Why do you keep phoning me?!”

“If you had responded to one of the two email surveys we had sent, we wouldn’t have had to phone you. Now can we just complete the survey?”

Click.

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