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Twice upon a Time

The handsome prince kissed the beautiful sleeping princess, and she woke up. They got married and lived happily ever after.

That was in the good old days when writers could write stories they way they should be written. Nowadays, the story would have to go something like this:

The handsome prince kissed the beautiful sleeping princess. She woke up, looked him in the eye and demanded, “Did you slip some drugs into my drink?” Then the beautiful princess hired a lawyer, sued the handsome prince for sexual assault and was awarded half the riches of his kingdom.

Or consider this story from the old days:

The courageous prince thrust his sword into the dragon. The dragon burst into flames, fell headlong off the cliff and plummeted down into the sea, never to be seen again.

Nowadays, the story would go something like this:

The courageous prince thrust his sword into the dragon. The dragon burst into flames, fell headlong off the cliff and plummeted down into the sea. The incident was recorded on a castle security camera, and the videotape was leaked to the SPCA. The prince was subsequently charged with cruelty to animals and violating the Endangered Species Act. The Department of Oceans and Fisheries also got involved, and further charges were brought against the prince for polluting the environment and dumping toxic material into a body of water. The prince was fined heavily and driven from public office in disgrace.

One more story from the old days:

Hansel and Gretel pushed the wicked witch into the oven and slammed the door. She was soon burnt up. Then the children found their way home and lived happily ever after.

Nowadays, this story, too, would turn out somewhat differently:

 Hansel and Gretel pushed the wicked witch into the oven and slammed the door. Fortunately, the witch was able to use her cellphone to call 911, and she was rescued by firemen using the jaws of life. The witch then lodged a complaint with the Human Rights Commission against Hansel and Gretel for religious discrimination. Hansel and Gretel were found to have violated the witch’s human rights. They were fined $50,000 each and were required to issue a written public apology to the witch. A settlement was agreed upon, allowing the witch to freely exercise her religion, providing she limited her consumption to eating three children per week. This last restriction was later overturned on appeal when the witch took the case to the Supreme Court. And so the witch ate Hansel and Gretel and lived happily ever after.

 

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