We recently bought a cell phone. The phone came with a small pamphlet offering a long list of directions, including the following:
- Remove the back cover. Be careful not to damage your fingernails when you remove the back cover.
- Insert the battery. Use only manufacturer-approved chargers, batteries, and cables. Unapproved chargers or cables can cause the battery to explode or damage the device. The manufacturer cannot be responsible for the user’s safety when this happens.
- Before inserting the battery, charge the battery using the USB cable. Connecting the charger improperly may cause serious damage to the device. Any damage caused by misuse is not covered by the warranty.
- The charger should remain close to the electric socket while charging.
- Do not use your device in areas with high concentrations of dust. This may cause the device to malfunction or cause a fire or electric shock.
- Reduce the risk of repetitive motion injuries. When you repetitively press keys, draw characters on a touch screen with your fingers, or play games, you may experience discomfort in your hands, neck, shoulders, or other parts of your body. Hold the device with a relaxed grip, press the keys lightly, and take frequent breaks. If the discomfort continues, stop using the device and consult a physician.
- Use caution when using the device while walking or moving in order to avoid injuring yourself or others. Make sure the headset cable does not become entangled in your arms or nearby objects.
- Do not carry your device in your back pocket or around your waist. You could be injured or damage the device if you fall.
- Do not use the touch screen if the screen is cracked or broken.
- For complete information about using your device, consult the user manual on the manufacturer’s website. You may incur additional charges for accessing the internet or downloading files.
By this point, I had concluded that the directions were not intended so much to help me use my new phone as they were to help the manufacturer avoid lawsuits. The directions continued:
- Do not use damaged power cords or plugs or loose electrical sockets. Unsecured connections can cause electric shock or fire.
- Do not touch the power cord with wet hands or disconnect the charger by pulling the cord. Doing so may result in electrocution.
- Do not use your device outdoors during a thunderstorm. Doing so may result in electric shock or device malfunction.
- Do not drop or pound the device.
- Never place the battery or device in a microwave oven or stove. The device may explode when overheated.
- Never crush or puncture the device.
- If your device has a camera flash, do not use it close to the eyes of people or pets.
- Do not bite or suck the device or battery. Doing so may damage the device or cause an explosion or fire.
- Do not insert the device into the eyes, ears, or mouth.
- Do not immerse the device in liquid.
- Do not immerse the device in deep water.
- Do not immerse the device in hot water.
- Do not expose the device to water at high pressure such as ocean waves or a waterfall.
- Do not expose the device to salt water, ionized water, or soapy water.
- Do not open the device’s covers when the device is in water. The manufacturer does not guarantee that the device will operate normally if it is used in water or other liquids.
- If the device gets wet, dry it.
Why did the people who run this company have to give me such idiotic advice? What kind of moron do they think I am?
They think I’m the kind of moron who walks around with a cell phone in his hand.