People have long wondered why the Scots would send their armies into battle dressed in skirts. The reality is that these soldiers were not men in skirts but actually ugly women. This truth has been suppressed by the English, who write most of the history books and who don’t want to admit that their armies have been beaten in so many battles by a bunch of women.
This phenomenon was first described in a 16th-century book called The Monstrous Regiment of Women written by a man named John Knox. No one reads this book these days, but it likely contained a history of the Scottish army up to that point. Knox himself was a hard man who established the famous School of Hard Knox. He also established the Presbyterian Church, although no one remembers why.
The regiment was led by a person named Queen Mary, which has led to speculation that she was a he in drag. Whether actually gay or not, he/she was undoubtedly merry.
The distinct character of the Scottish army is demonstrated by the fact that while other armies travelled to the sound of drums and trumpets, the Scottish army preferred the bagpipes. This instrument is said to be modelled on knitting needles stuck into a bag of wool. The sound is thought to resemble untalented women trying to sing opera.
The preferred weapons for this women’s army included the aptly named broad sword, the halberd, the claymore, the pike, the dirk, and, of course, the bagpipes.
No one knows what the Scottish men were doing while the women were fighting their battles. They may have been herding sheep, drinking with the Irish, or throwing up in the heather after eating haggis, a traditional Scottish food. I would explain what is in this Scottish dish, but the extant historical descriptions are too fantastical to be believable, and in this article I wanted to stick to proven facts.