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Safety Instructions for Trampoline Use

(included with the assembly instructions)

 

Do not use if you do not understand the assembly instructions.

Do not use if parts are missing.

Do not use if you are under six years old (even if you can read).

Do not land on your head or neck.

Do not allow more than one person on the trampoline at a time. (Jumping up and down in one spot is not an activity you want to share with anyone.)

Do not use alone. Always have a supervisor present (preferably one with 911 on speed dial).

Do not place trampoline under power lines.

Do not place trampoline under tree branches.

Do not sit or stand underneath the trampoline.

Do not use if you are stupid.

Do not use the trampoline to catapult yourself onto buildings, trees, or power lines.

Do not jump onto the trampoline from rooftops, trees, power lines, or other dangerous objects.

Do not jump out of an airplane onto this trampoline.

Do not use if you weigh over 220 pounds. (Do not use if you are a woman and admit to weighing 150 pounds.)

Do not use if you are age 20 or older (or if you are a woman and admit to being 16 or older).

Do not use if you are pregnant.

Do not use if you are under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

Do not use if you are under the influence of small children.

Do not use if you are an animal.

Do not use with knives, razor blades, axes, machetes, other sharp objects, chainsaws, guns, ropes, nooses, strings, electrical cords, and other cord-like material on your person.

Do not use in the dark.

Do not use during a windstorm, hurricane, or tornado.

Do not use during a thunder and lightning storm.

Do not use if it is hailing or snowing.

Do not use if it is raining or the trampoline is wet.

Do not use under the hot sun.

Not recommended for use by persons between the ages of 6 and 20.

If you die or move (to a long-term rehab centre, for instance), please donate this device to another family (preferably one you don’t like).

Check and replace the side netting every 3-6 months. (This protects users from falling through worn netting onto the ground.)

Check and replace the mat every 6-12 months. (This protects users from falling through the bottom of the trampoline.)

Check and replace all other parts every 12-18 months. (This protects our company’s bottom line.)

Watch any two episodes of America’s Funniest Home Videos. If you still insist on using this device, you are an idiot who deserves all the bad things that are going to happen to you.

The company has designed, built, and marketed this device, but the user is fully liable for all deaths and injuries incurred. Remember: Trampolines don’t kill people. Stupidity kills people.

 

 

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